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Saturday, February 27, 2010

the little man

(think this is how he felt about his day overall)

so eli had an adventurous week last week as well. he got to go to riley children's hospital to see a pediatric urologist. he was so good, so sweet and seemed so little while we were there. he was so ready to play after being in the car. we had to wait for quite awhile. he began to get fussy and then get really upset. it was time to play, he was out of his seat, he's 19 months old, he's trapped in a small exam room. and i began to think. why am i doing this? why am i making him stay in this room? is it really the end of the world if he wonders up and down the halls while we wait for the doctor? why do we as mom's sometimes feel more obligated to "appease" adults we don't even know then our precious children? besides, it's a children's hospital right? they are used to kids and even if they aren't who is my priority? so, out into the hall we went and out came his little smile and his giggle and the twinkle in his eye. i love that twinkle. it's the one that usually means he's up to something or that he's getting to do something he thinks he's not really supposed to be doing. then came the doctor (who was completely fine with us playing "chase" in the hallways) to assess my little mister. and blessing of blessings he said he could handle everything that day instead of having to come back another day. it had been a prayer of mine ... to be able to handle everything in one day but the medical realist in me figured best shot we would come back another day and things would get fixed in the office instead of the operating room. my God is so good and made my wildest prayer a reality!!

my wonderful friend alli was completely fine keeping the big kids with her at the children's museum. she was the most amazing blessing and you have to check out her blog for cute pictures of what the big kids were doing while we were running in the halls (it's actually here, here and here). =) mia and asher had a blast playing and want to go back soon despite the long car ride it takes to get there. so, needless to say we got everything taken care of in one trip and were so blessed in so many ways by so many people. thank you again to alli and bella for playing and being so willing to help out and make the day so very fun for mia and asher.

too sweet

so the waiting ended earlier this week. not what i was expecting. unfortunately, i did not pass my second glucose test and was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. as my dad put it i'm just "too sweet." (a nice way to look at it) when i initially spoke to the nurse i was still thinking it was not going to be that big of a deal. then she kept talking and talking and talking. it became a bigger deal. involving sessions with a dietician, monitoring my sugar levels and likely extra doctor visits and possibly an earlier delivery date. i know it's silly and even in the moment knew that in the grand scheme of things if i had to have a complication of pregnancy this one was minor but i still cried. not because i was scared more just because i didn't want it. i know both of us are going to be fine, i just don't want it. please don't misunderstand. i am grateful to know, grateful to be able to ensure my little one continues to grow healthy and strong, grateful that this is all that is wrong. i just needed 5 minutes to feel sad about it so i left the office, found a back hallway, cried and called my husband. and wonderful man that he is he showed up at work several hours later with my three precious angels in tow and a bouquet of tulips (my favorite flower).

i had my first appointment to get things started for being diabetic and left with a whole bag of "goodies". for those of you who are unfamiliar with gestational diabetes here's the short non-medical version. basically my pancreas is just having trouble keeping up with the demands of baby and producing enough insulin to help my body absorb sugars properly. so in my bag of goodies i got a new blood sugar monitor that i get to use 4 times a day, a list of things i should be eating and what a serving size consists of, the number for the dietician, and instructions to get a journal to write down everything i eat every day (including how much - ie 1 cup cereal and 1/2 cup milk) and at what time. i will be honest. i felt pretty overwhelmed when i walked out of the office. it seemed like a lot to keep track of with three little ones at home, a husband who is starting a new business and working almost full time.

today was day one of my new program and i have to be honest .... it's not that bad. i'm still learning and was a little late taking my latest sugar level but other then trying to think a little more before i grab a snack or fix a meal it's not too bad. besides, even if it was bad it would be worth it to ensure my little one is okay. so until this little person arrives i'll be monitoring, measuring and completely avoiding sugar. oh well.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

waiting and wondering

so here i sit at the hopsital...again. waiting for my 3 hour glucose test to be over. waiting to get back to my babies. waiting to start my day. waiting for them to tell me that yet again i have passed this test but need to limit my sugars. waiting to get some rest as i got up this morning before 6 so i could be here, get done and get home to my little ones. waiting for the little life that wiggles inside me to enter the world and be snuggled in my arms. waiting to be a family of six. waiting on my heavenly Father to show me the next step toward the dreams He has planted deep in my heart.

yet here are the things i wonder ... will we remain a family of six? will our number continue to grow? will my future children be born only from my heart and not my womb? at what point is waiting just an excuse for inactivity? does it really matter if timing seems off or inconvient if it means reaching out to another person, especially a child who needs love? what else i can do continue to foster my children's love of God? to further spark their imaginations? to help them learn and treasure lessons that most adults have trouble with (like honor, respect and unconditional love)? what lesson is in today? in this moment? why wait?

and then i think ... there are so many things to do, things to worry about, things to question, things to pull attention from where it should be. yet, really there isn't. we are told always that the to-do list never ends, that we are a ridulously busy society, that there are so many pressures on our families and especially on our children. though this is true to varying degress what i know is that this is all noise. that it is all just a ploy to get attention off a loving Father; away from children who delight in the attention, not the activity; blessings that are there in abundance. that the pace of life can go as slow as we want it. that we have permission to live our lives at any pace we choose. that the little things are the important things. that though the to-do list may never end, the calendar can look crazy, life has stress and american culture seems to be a bit out of control sometimes - life is what we make it. love is what i choose. each moment is a gift and an opportunity to move our lives and the lives of those we touch in a positive direction. toward a path that shows love because when it comes down to it love is what we all need and it's really what we all have to give because a loving Father gave it to us first.