so i should be in bed. but i'm not. should be sleeping. but i'm not. everyone is sleeping. the house is quiet. and my thoughts are rambling and running so i'm doing what i do when that happens ... i'm writing.
i am one who has paper and pen by the bed so as the random thoughts come at night i can write them down, know they are there to be looked at later and not spend all night lying awake trying to remember them. one who journals when the emotions come fast and furious or when it's quiet and i'm not sure what the next step should be. don't misunderstand ... i don't have volumes i just find comfort in letting the pen (or keyboard) flow and seeing where each rambling thought will take me.
so here's the thoughts for tonight ...
~ i have officially told my boss that i will be returning to my true passion - my family and my children - after the birth of this sweet little miracle. i have no idea how this is actually going to work but i am so very glad that my God is bigger then my checkbook and my momentary concerns. there is a new sense of freedom knowing that this is the path and that i will be back full time with my amazing little ones and caring for my wonderful husband.
~"i am royalty, i have destiny, i have been set free, i'm going to change history". song lyrics from jake hamilton. just keep saying that over yourself and see if it doesn't change your mood, your moment, your outlook and your life. =) the other chorus from that song that i am loving right now ... "wake up child, it's your time to shine. you were born for such a time as this." just puts the world in perspective and reminds me that my God is so big, so strong and such an amazing love for ME. jake has amazing lyrics. seriously, check him out.
~in 8 weeks i will get to meet the little person that is currently hiccuping inside me. are you a boy? a girl? can you feel how much i love you right now? do you know how wanted you were? how God told me specifically to have you? oh precious one i can't wait. it seems so close and yet so very far away. there are so many things to do before you get here and yet all i want to do is sit here for the moment and rub the little feet, knees, and elbows that push against my belly. to touch you even now and let my touch convey my love.
~that parenting the way i want to parent can be the hardest thing ever. it breaks my heart to watch my children make poor choices and cry (there have been lots of choices in the past few days to throw fits and cry instead of talk, ask or treat people with love, respect and kindness). yet i know they are learning. learning more then a thousand lectures would teach them. learning the way God will teach them. allowing them to choose their own path, watching them occasionally make a bad choice, having that choice break His heart as much as it breaks theirs (maybe more so) and yet waiting, with open arms for them to run for comfort, love and support. knowing that love is unconditional. that it remains no matter what the choice, no matter what the outcome, no matter what you do. you are loved because you are you. no performance. no fear. no control. only love that is strong enough to let you live out your destiny and want to be with you every step of the way. not doing it for you but being the biggest cheerleader you've got. i don't mean that our children have no guidance. just that within our guidance is choice, free will, options. we love you enough to teach you that only you are in control of you. i can not control you (or anyone else for that matter). oh, sweet ones, people will try to control you. through fear, guilt, manipulation. but how precious a gift i can give you if you learn early on that you are in control of you no matter what anyone else is doing. that you are responsible for you. you can't control another person. that you are strong enough, powerful enough, smart enough, capable enough to handle anything because Christ is in you and God is always with you. i am watching my 3 and 4 year old learn lessons that adults i know have not yet even attempted to tackle. watched them learn that their words are powerful and affect people. that taking care of a person's heart is the most important thing ... it's the relationship that matters. not being right, not being in charge, not getting your way. watched them care for each other and for us in ways that bring tears to my eyes. oh precious ones, how i greatful i am that you are learning these things so much sooner then i did.
~8 more weeks of finger sticks and sugar tests and diets and counting. 8 more weeks of trying to figure out how i once again got too many carbs. 8 more weeks until i can return to eating fruit and not watch my sugars soar. it will soon be over. i have a new appreciation for those with diabetes and their constant struggle and the balance that they all must find. there are days when i feel i have figured it out. then there's an oops and my reading is high. i just have to keep trying, have to keep learning. my precious one you are worth it but i will not be sad to see the meter go. i will smile to join the rest of the family eating ice cream on our family ice cream dates. i will giggle as we enjoy the summer fruit that will soon be here. i will savor making jelly and jam and cookies with my little ones again. yet i will say a prayer for those who are doing this full time. those that have to do this every day. that have learned the balancing act and are praying for a cure. yes, my little one there are worse things out there but my little one diabetes is still no fun.
~i am oh so blessed. simple statement. needs nothing further. it is simply true. i am blessed.