i can't sleep. haven't been able to for awhile now (not such a good thing with an 8 week old). i should be napping even now but i'm here online looking, learning, wondering. there is a stirring in my heart that continues to grow. it is with me always. as i look at my children, as i move through my day, as i sit quietly and especially when i worship. it is the most intense when i worship. it moves me to tears. it stops my heart. as i focus on the King of my life He shows me their faces, lets me feel their need. He breaks my heart for the things that break His. He shows me his children around the world who are alone, abandoned, forgotten.
their sweet little faces stay with me as i love on my own little ones. who is playing with them? getting their lunch ready? singing with them? laughing with them? who is there to hold them when their scared? to kiss away the boo-boos? to tuck them in at night? who is there to pray with them? to show them God loves them? who?
i can't escape these thoughts and though i am eternally grateful for my own wonderful four children i know i am being called to more. my heart is breaking even as it overflows with the blessing He has poured out on my life. i cry for them. weep for them in my husband's arms. pray over them and cry some more as i read about the beautiful ones who have found their forever homes. the ones whose faces now glow back at me from the computer screen. who now have someone to tuck them in, to remember their birthdays, to kiss their owies, to hug them, to love them.
but what of the 147 million others that are still out there? the ones who are still cold, hungry, scared, lost, alone? what am i to do? i know i am called to more. i just don't know yet what that looks like. in my dreams i hold them, lots of them. i kiss them and laugh with them. we chase each other and my own precious four little white faces blend with a sea of other colors as they all call me mama. i am there. i will hold them. i will comfort them. i will shelter them. but i awake and i am here. blessedly climbing out of bed to tend to the amazing four children that i have. to nurse a sweet little angel of a boy, to rescue a daring almost 2 year old from his own activities, to sword fight and be saved by my 3 year old and to draw, create or cook with my 5 year old.
it is hard for me to wait. to be patient. to know that they are there and i am here. i know His timing is perfect yet it is still hard. hard not knowing exactly what to do. it seems so obvious to say "adopt" ... but that still leaves so many. is it just adoption when my heart aches for so many more? when i think of bringing a single precious child into my family and my arms, the thought only brings me mild comfort. what is the plan? what am i being called to? their faces break my heart. i want to move now but feel i need at least the first step in the plan. so that is my prayer for now. not for the whole plan, not for all the details, but God, show me the next step. move my feet toward your broken children so that i can love them here before you get to love them for all eternity.
and these are my thoughts on a thursday. what are yours?