been working all day. long day - full of surprise patients and patients who were all new to me. who all needed to be re-evaluated and have reports sent to doctors and insurance companies. all amazing people with amazing stories but still makes for a long day. glad to be home. glad to tuck every member of my little family into bed - yep, even pete who's not feeling so well today.
so it's quiet and i can hear my thoughts and i'm not sure i like all of them right now. (just being honest) i'm jealous today. i don't like that ... but it's true. i'm not jealous of a car or a house or a style or an outfit. it's not over finances or jobs or status. it's not something normal at all. i'm jealous of a trip. well, actually of several of them. i have friends who are going. i have a husband who is going. and i am staying. and it's hard for me - despite how excited i am for them. some friends leave this week, some leave in a few months. my husband leaves in four weeks.
they are going to africa. they are going to see the babies. to love the littlest and the least. to bring hope to the hopeless and care for His people. and this time it is my turn to stay. and i am jealous. see there is something that remains undone in me from my last trip. to hold those little ones. to pray over them, sing over them, tuck them in and then to walk away and leave them there .... it does something to you. or at least it did something to me. i am forever changed. my eyes are open to more of His heart. i can not think or speak of them without tears in my eyes and desire in my heart. i am so very grateful to be home with my own little ones. to get to hold them and cuddle them. so grateful for this moment in my life. for this moment with my precious little ones. but knowing that there are so many without a mama's love, without enough to eat, without a family of their own .......
so for now i pray. for the littlest and the least. for my friends (they are amazing women and you can read them here and here and here). for my husband. for myself and His direction for me. sometimes i want relief from the dreams of children, of their faces, of myself standing among them all. but i know those dreams are leading me somewhere. so i continue to pray. to press in. to wait for His timing and His direction. there are days i am not so patient but i am trying. and though i may be a little jealous i am so excited for what He is doing and where He is leading each of these people.