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Sunday, October 23, 2011

fitting in

this my heart.  this was my struggle.  this i share with you because i pray that it will free you from your own struggle.  that you may know the voice of the almighty Creator when He whispers sweetly to your spirit and that you choose to agree with Him ~ because He loves you.

it had been a long interrupted night.  full of nightmares and little feet and uneasy sleep.  and the morning  came early and tiredness came to stay.  overwhelmed added its weight and the children were having a similar morning.  nothing was clicking.  no one was content.  tensions were high and patience was low.

so a break. a time to breath.  and i draw the blanket around my shoulders and the enemy of my spirit begins to whisper. "you know you don't belong here right?  you don't fit in with the people here?  you want to leave the country and go around the world to a country that is still developing, still in poverty.  no one here really gets that ~ not really.  no matter what they tell you.  it's weird.  and you are alone.  you don't fit in here with them."

and i almost want to cry from the weight he is putting on me.  and i turn to the Lover of my Spirit and i wait.  and i listen.  and i cry out ~ show me the truth.  whisper to me now.  and in the quiet He comes.  "you are My child.  the people here love you.  you are taken care of and in great community.  you are where I want you to be.  you are doing what I want you to do.  I am here ~ and you always fit in with Me."

and the tactic changes as the voice that tries to sound like my own prods "but what of your children?  they are yelling today.  they are fighting.  some parenting style you have.  looks like it's really working.  how are those choices working out for you?  do you really think you are doing a good job?  and you're going to move them away from everything they have ever known.  for what?  to take care of someone else's child?  do you really love your children?  shouldn't you be putting them first? how could they love you as a mother for that?"

and i close my eyes and i try not to agree.  try not to see his points.  try to ignore how many times this has been said to me {in spirit and in person}.  and my mother's heart breaks.  and my Lord whispers softly "you are My child.  they are My children.  I hand picked these children for you.  I knew what I was doing.  your parenting is exactly what I told you to do when you asked Me what I wanted.  you are moving them where I have told you.  you will be teaching them about relationship and valuing people.  about pursuing Me above all else.  they are first, they are prized.  you are choosing this for what it will teach them as much as for any other reason.  they love you and will treasure their time there."

"so you think you fit in with all the people whose blogs you read? ha!" he whispers as he tries yet another tact. yet another lie to get me weighed down and doubting.  "they are doing something you aren't. your thing is different.  you aren't adopting.  you aren't ministering to hundreds of people.  you aren't even sure what things will totally look like.  i mean what kind of impact are you really going to have?  you don't fit in with all these people.  you are not in their circle.  you are outside. and then think about all the things you could do better for your husband.  while you sit here and wonder about where you fit.  shouldn't you be doing more, being better for him?  doesn't he deserve that?"

oh Lord.  i begin to give in to the whispers.  i begin to believe i don't fit.  that i am not enough.  that i have not done enough.  and i pull the blanket tighter.  and He comes.  and He speaks.  and He soothes.  "your heart is what matters.  you do not have to perform for Me.  you are not valuable based on your performance. you are valued because you are my daughter.  for who you are."

and Jesus sits down. and the Prince of Peace envelopes me with His grace and His presence. "I have done it all.  I have satisfied the wrath toward sin.  you are blameless now.  you do not have to perform.  you do not have to be anything.  your heart makes you fit in everywhere.  your relationships are not based on how much you are or are not doing.  you were not designed to fit so completely into any group that you can not move between them.  you fit and yet you were designed to move and be part of all groups.  you are right where I want you to be.  doing right what I want you to be doing.  and no matter what, I am here with you.  I love you.  You are valuable to me."

and as i believe and trust Him the enemy of my spirit retreats.  and the weight lifts.  and fatigue eases and the day brightens.  and i wonder if i am the only one who falls for his lies.  the only one he tries to isolate and weigh down.  am i the only one who falls for his lies?  and my Lord responds "no my precious child.  he tries to isolate all.  he tries to destroy all.  will you share this so that others know?  will you be that vulnerable?"  and i hesitate.  i am scared.  and i choose.  and you have read my choice.

when those thoughts come, when the weight is there.  that is not Him.  that whisper that tries to sound so much like your own voice is not.  it is the enemy of your spirit and he is trying to make your life as hard as miserable as lonely as possible.  he is lying to you and he is so tricky that he sometimes doesn't seem like a liar.  but he is.  listen again. 

listen for the small quiet voice that whispers hope and light ~ even when you don't feel it, even when your circumstances don't seem to line up.  listen to what He has to say to you. to what He says about you.  and will you agree with Him?  believe what He says about you?  will you say yes to Him?  read what He says about you ~ you are treasured, bought at a price {which means you don't owe anything, have to do anything}, seated on high, a light to all around you, a jewel to behold, royalty and valued beyond all measure.  He loves you, oh how He loves you!  will you say yes to Him?


love said...

oh, girl.

love you. cannot wait to get together. cannot wait to come see you all in uganda.

His plan for you is beautiful and i'm blessed by your obedience.

mummers said...

Girlie, the enemy of or souls is so unimaginative that he uses the same old lines on ALL of us ... and if we have a call from the Lover of our Souls to venture to some distant place, the e-guy gets really scared and puts his tapes in hyperdrive. You have exposed his little lies and he has to run from the the Light, the Truth. Keep your torch lit! Keep your ear to the heartbeat of Jesus. HE only speaks the truth....but you are right, we have to choose to believe Him. We are with you, Nat, we believe God has a path for you and your family that is unique. Be strong and courageous!
Cindy Balon

librariane said...

Someone once gave me Max Lucado's book Just the Way You Are when I was feeling particularly low--it's a good one for a quick reminder that God loves and uses us the way we are, all the while, gently changing us to be more like Him.